I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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