I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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