I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
