how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
