Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
