Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
