Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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