I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
