if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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