R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
