Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
