You smell like a Billy Joel song
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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