Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
