omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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