like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
