Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
