I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
