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i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
