I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
