Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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