PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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