I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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