She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
