Swine flu. Run for my life!
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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