Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
