Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
