i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
