dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
