new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He's a Shit stain on my heart
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
