what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
