Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
