I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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