You made me cry and you don't even care
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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