I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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