my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
