Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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