Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
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