I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
