he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
