the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
