I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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