Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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