I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
