his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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