the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
