I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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