i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
