we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My ATM looks so different sober.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
