Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
