My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
