I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
