I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
