i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
