and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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