I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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