her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
