Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Randomize
