He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
