he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
where are my pants?
in the oven.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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